Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Out of Time

Okay I have about 10 minutes to write and I don't quite know what to say.
First Baby Rome Joshua was born May 13th at 2:06 pm. He was 8lbs 4.5 ounces and 20 inches long. It was a very long a difficult labor that stalled 4 times and ended up needing all kinds of drugs to help. (There is much more I could say, but I will leave it there for this blog's sake) By the time he showed up I was just happy to be done. I love my little guy, but am surprised at my lack of happy, excited, joyful, exuberant feelings that I thought I would have. I am surprised at my total lack of feeling. I want to feel something.
Josh is great. He was really surprised that he would like being a dad. I knew it. He is really helpful and holds Rome whenever I need him to. He gets frustrated with the baby and hides it well. I don't see it, but I am a little slow lately.
I mostly feel detached and am waiting to come back down to myself and my life. I am waiting to feel that joy and attachment to my little boy that I think I am supposed to feel. Maybe it just comes slower for me, like a lot of other things in this whole process. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and I was soo excited to get there. I am just not sure how I feel yet about BEING a mom.

Josh and me looking at Rome, My big baby

His pretty blue eyes (I know you can't tell), My Mother's day present from Josh
I asked for flowers so he got me one that would not die (plus he dislikes flowers). I thought it was very sweet along with the note he wrote for me.


Jana said...

He's a cutie, Jo! Maybe you just need to sit back and try to soak it all in slowly...not expecting too much of yourself for now, you know? You just never know what your hormones are going to do! Everybody feels differently after a baby, from bouncing right back happily to post-partum depression. So just take it slow I guess! It'll come :)
Love ya!

Annie said...

Oh wow, I have a lot to say on this subject. First of all, he's beautiful! Such a handsome boy.

As for not being instantly joyous over the babe, I get that 100%. When I had my first it was by emergency C-Section. It all went so quickly and I was so unprepared for it. I felt the same way you do. Detached, confused, numb. Plus I'm not sure I was ready for a baby in the first place, but alas, there I was. Anyway, what I mean to say is that even though you don't feel like you expect to feel now, you will. Honestly it took me almost a year to fall in love with my first and now that love for him is fierce. All those books and other mothers give the impression that the love is instant and for a lot it is, but for just as many it isn't. Don't worry about that right now. You've been through a traumatic ordeal. Your labor was hard and your body is still probably full of the drugs they gave you. Give yourself some time. Some day you'll look at baby Rome and wonder how you ever survived without him.

Sorry for the novel, but I know how you feel. If you want to talk about it more email me or even call. you've got my number, right?

Lacey said...

Jo, I totally get what you are saying and I think a big part of it is you just don't feel like yourself at all. I felt like crap for a long time, (mostly my gallbladder stuff) but also I did get a little PPD. Then one day I said to Wyatt...it feels like we have always had him, like he has always been with us. And I did feel that way and now I can't imagine life any other way. Don't feel bad that you didn't have that instantaneous love fest...I think that most people who say that they have that are exagerating or are slightly loopy from the drugs..lol. It's hard to feel much when you are so tired and overwhelmed just trying to keep him alive...once you get used to that regular life can seep in and you notice everything else again. Luvs Lady!

Jocie said...

Thank you thank you thank you. I am glad it is not just me. You guys made me feel tons better (after a good cry too).

Misty said...

Jocie- I think your great and it was really brave for you to tell everyone how you are feeling. I'm glad you are feeling better. He is a cutie and I can't wait to meet him! And of course see you again.

Jana said...

Jo, I wish gas wasn't so expensive because I would totally come take pictures of baby Rome!!

Jen said...

Thanks for commenting on our lame hearts knit blog...it's been very neglected. I knew I'd seen your blog before....Jana showed me the video of your belly moving! So so COOL!