Saturday, October 13, 2012

The List

No, this post is not about any type of "Bucket List" or "Top 10" anything. Nope. This is about that little niggle in the back of your mind that says people talk behind your back and, really, they don't like you. Or does that just happen to me?
It started out good. I got a call a couple months ago to join a Bunco game. A game night with a whole bunch of girlfriends? Sure! Sign me up! And everyone comes home with prizes, awesome!
And it was.
Growing up I never had a real close bunch of friends. In fact my "best" friend kept changing. Every year or so I had a new one. (until Lacey hit me over the head and made me be friends with her. Or was it run a snowmobile through a fence? Love you Lace!) I was always just a bit on the outside of every group. I was very quiet and shy. I had a hard time talking to people, especially in big groups. I didn't mind so much, but I still felt left out somehow. I am still a bit envious of those people who still have a close knit bunch of friends to do things with, or even just to call and hang out.
It wasn't until college when I had the good fortune to be thrown together with the 4 best roommates I could ever have. We were not the same, but we all got along and are still good friends. I would have to say they are my closest "bunch" of friends that I have. (I love you Girls so much!) I am sad that we don't live closer together and am looking forward to seeing everyone next May. Woohoo!
On another note, Josh's family makes great friends wherever they are. In fact they are still friends with people from their old PC neighborhood. I love that about his family and hoped we could do the same in ours. I try, but never feel like we have succeeded very well. Its not that I want to be popular, I just want some fun girlfriends to feel comfortable around. Who we could have parties with and invite to the movies or a girls night in or just to hang out once in a while.
Well, back to our game night. I was surprised and pleased to be invited. It is an easy game and a fun night out with the girls. They wanted to update the call list and handed it around to make sure your info. was correct. Mine was, but I noticed that my name happened to fall at the very bottom of the list. No big deal. There are a lot of people and not everyone can make it every time. The game only needs 12 people anyway. I thought nothing of it, but it stuck in the back of my mind.
I started thinking about everything that happened.
Every dumb comment.
Every slightly awkward moment.
Then, it got to me.
That shy little girl in the back of my mind started whispering. They don't really want you here. You are the last person to call. They don't really want to hang out with you. She made me want to cry.
I know it is not true. I am sure at least some of those ladies think of me as a friend, if not a good one. I am sure most of my awkward tendencies are not noticed or brushed off. So, I am not the most witty and  fun person at the party. I know that. I am just me and usually I am happy with that.
I guess I have not grown out of that need to not be picked last. To not be left out. To feel like I fit in.
So, I don't have a huge amount of friends. I will never win any popularity contest. But, the friends I have, I keep. They know how great I am. I just need to remember it.
And I will never host Bunco. I don't want to be in charge of the "List."


Chad, Mindy and girls said...

Jocie, do NOT think that you don't have people that like you!! I know that we don't "hang out" (and we really only see each other in passing at Target!), but I DO like you!! Life just gets busy and kids/schedules take over. I would guarantee that you being on the bottom of the list is merely a coincidence. And for the record, you are on my favorite blogger list, and you are NOT on the bottom! :)

Autumn said...

I consider myself a pretty confident person but I must say I know the feeling! And just know I'll love you forever :)