Ever since I found out I was pregnant I have been having trouble sleeping. I am tired and lay down and then my brain says,"Uh, uh. I am awake and now we should think about disasters! Mwahahaha!!" Okay, it doesn't laugh, but you get the picture. I am awake for hours thinking about crazy and completely unrealistic disasters. Like earthquakes and zombie takeovers and murderous lunatics stalking our neighborhood. These are strange enough, but what bothered me was my reaction. I didn't think about what I would DO if these things happened. No, I just thought about what would happen to me, like I could do nothing to stop or change it. Very disturbing. I am an action person. I NEED to DO something. I figured that it was just being pregnant that caused these unusual dreams because you can't do anything about it. You can't make it go any faster or slower. (Let me tell you, the last few weeks just KILL me!) Also, after Rome was born, anxiety was my biggest symptom. I knew things would be okay, but I was so worried about doing anything and everything. All of that worrying made me very tired. So, I figure this might just be early postpartum anxiety keeping me awake.
Then it creeped into my dreams. When I do sleep I have lots of troubling dreams. Dreams about accidents and floods and trips with out shoes. I didn't put them together until today. I was looking up some dream meanings on the internet because my books are all packed up. All of the things I remember from my dreams mean scary and ominous things to come. Ugh, great. So, my entire pregnancy has been telling me that things are going to get worse. I have no idea how, just worse.
Add in the reality of this week. I have been very confident about the whole economy stuff and how things are going to turn around and everything will work out eventually. Then, the reality of Josh taking a pay cut and my doing bills and going CRAP. We really have to cut stuff out. I feel really lucky that I got all my Christmas shopping done, because it certainly would not happen on our new budget. I know we will be okay. We have everything we need. I have great food storage. Rome has clothes and shoes. Yes, I need baby girl clothes. But, if all else fails, I am sure I can find someone that has clothes I can use. I know this all in my brain and in my heart, but having anxious dreams and thoughts every night is sure not helping. I am positive that when we talked about having another baby that it was not supposed to be dripping with troubles, anxiety and worries. I just really hope that all of this won't color my memories of my sweet new baby.
3 months ago